Our Recent Loss

[Tami]

Our Recent Loss

WARNING: THIS POST MAY NOT BE APPROPRIATE FOR CHILDREN TO READ

I posted over a month ago about my loss. I'd like to take a few moments to talk about my loss, if you would like to listen.

I have two children, ages 12 and 10. I honestly thought we had no option to have more children. My PCOS doctor led me to believe that I couldn't have more children without surgery. So, hubby and I were content just to let it be.

In April, I found out I was pregnant! Wow! What a miracle! What a blessing! I was excited. My hubby was excited! My children were especially excited! My extended family were shocked and excited!

This baby would change our life for sure! Yet, we were totally agreeing it was worth it!

On May 7th, my Mom's birthday, hubby and I found out that the baby had died. Our baby had stopped growing at 6 1/2 weeks. The doctor explained that there was something wrong with my baby's chromosomes, so the pregnancy has stopped itself.

We were devastated! We had only known of this baby's existence for a short time, and now was ripped out of our reach! I never dreamed that something of this nature would hurt sooooo bad! It felt as if one of my living children had died! Really!! Think about it though! This baby was one of my living children,. He or she just hadn't been born yet!

An even harder road came next. If the baby hadn't miscarry from my body on it's own, I had to make a choice to prompt his or her removal. Yes, I knew the baby had died, but I just couldn't put myself through being the one who forced him or her out of my life. I was clinging to this baby, even thought I knew he or she was spiritual apart from my body already.

Part of me wanted to believe the doctor and his staff were wrong! My husband felt the same way and expressed it to the doctor. So, they did a hormone comparision test and that was evidence enough that the baby was, in fact, not alive.

So, I ended up taking a medication to start the process of miscarrying my baby's body. The baby was so small, that no baby was evident in the heavy bleeding.

I thank the Lord for being with us during every step of this trial. I can't imagine losing my older two children, and this experience has made me realize what blessings God has given me to raise. I need to take His call for me to be a mother seriously and start fulfilling the role in a way that glorifies HIM!

I used to couldn't think, talk or write about my baby, but today I am able to do so without bawling my head off. God's strength and love, as well as my hubby's and loved ones, each have carried me through! I thank God for His love and for the love of those he has placed in my life.

I felt the need to name the baby. I know I won't be hollering out his or her name in this lifetime. I know that I won't be able to write his or her name in a baby book. I know that I won't get to experience any of the things with this baby that I've experienced with my first two. However, I was exhausted with referring to the lost baby as 'him or her', 'he or she', and then being taunted by the fact that I have no idea which gender my baby is. I do know that he or she is with my Savior and that He knows this baby's gender. I do know that when Jesus calls me home, that I will know my baby as a brother or sister in Christ. That satisfies me. However, this baby needs a name. He or she is important enought not to be forgotten. So, I must choose a name.

I wanted a name that was unisex, since I didn't know the gender. I wanted a name with meaning. I looked up names that meant eternal and treasure and other names that described the baby or the events we were experiencing. I came up with nothing!

I chose the name Quinn. This baby would have been number five in our family, when you count my hubby and me. Quinn makes the fifth part of this household's family. Now, we can share our thoughts about Quinn anytime! The kiddos loved the idea of giving the baby a name, and I believe it is a comfort to my daughter who talks about the baby more than any of us!